Do you know the term “trailing spouse”? It refers to the partner whose career isn't the driving force behind a move to another city, state, or country.
I was the trailing spouse, with enthusiasm!
Move to southwest France for three years? Sign me up for the adventure of a lifetime and a long-held dream fulfilled.
Of course, the reality was a little less romantic.
At the time, I was halfway through a three-year master’s program in counseling. Moving overseas meant I couldn’t continue, at least not right away. Still, the trade-offs seemed worth it. I’d learn French, hike the Pyrenees, build community, and help my husband and daughter settle into our new life. And I did all of that—with the same energy and commitment I normally channeled into my career.
For the first six months, I was constantly in motion. I barely took the time to read a book, let alone or stare out a window and process all the changes. Then, gradually, life began to feel easier. I could navigate the grocery store without using a translation app. I was meeting friends for coffee and moving beyond small talk. Our apartment was fully functional. My daughter was adjusting to school.
And finally—I had space to breathe.
That’s when it hit me: I was bored.
Not for lack of things to do or people to love. But a part of me was unfulfilled and it left me feeling restless.
For some people, family life is their passion. They feel a deep sense of purpose in creating a nurtured, beautiful home. I love my family. I love being a mom. And I also love my work. I find deep fulfillment in supporting my clients. I realized that no amount of hiking, baking, or language goals could replace the sense of purpose I feel in my career.
Every trailing spouse’s experience is different.
Some discover a long-buried calling in family life or community building when their career takes a back seat. Others try to continue their careers in a new place, only to discover the reality is much more complex than anticipated. Living in a new country brings joy, but it also comes with stressors that can magnify any existing cracks in the foundation.
What makes expatriation (or any major move) sustainable, is when both partners feel fulfilled.
Not perfectly balanced, not equally challenged in the same ways, but both stretched just far enough to grow, not break.
Of course, one partner’s needs can take precedence for a while. But long-term, when fulfillment is missing, it becomes untenable. Resentments build. Friction increases. Partners drift apart. Sometimes it feels like the only options are to white-knuckle your way through it or give up completely.
But, like most things in life, there’s usually a middle path, one you may not have considered, one that could lead to something more fulfilling than you imagined.
The first step? Name the feeling.
Then, give shape to the challenge.
It might feel scary to say it out loud (it usually does). But like the monster under the bed, the fear is often worse than the reality. Once it's spoken, the path forward becomes clearer.
And you don’t have to do it alone.
I offer both individual and couples coaching for clients worldwide. Schedule a free 20-minute consultation or book a session here.
